Mar. 23rd, 2014 | 06:18 pm
location: Canada, Vancouver
mood: depresseddepressed

I'm trying hard to think of something positive to write, but I can't really think of anything.

Depression is ugly. Not just the raw, painful, suicidal emotions.

You might become less pleasant to look at. Your hair is scraggly, greasy, and unbrushed. Your skin is drying out and looks flaky and scaly, like a reptile. Your skin has ugly jagged scars on it because cutting is one of the few things that makes you feel any better. Tartar builds up on your teeth, and your breath reeks. You gain weight and more stretch marks. Your eyebrows have not been plucked for months. You know you ought to take all your medication, but you don't see any point to it anymore. Everything you're doing is detrimental to your health. But do you really give a shit?

You might end up holing yourself up in your place, only to leave your bed to shower, use the washroom, feed your pets, and eat. You only leave your home when it is absolutely necessary, such as to buy more food and litter for your pets because you don't want them to suffer. Your living situation deteriorates. Boxes from takeout/delivery places will clutter your fridge; eventually, you'll put dishes in there, too. Dirt and dust accumulate. The dirty dishes will pile up in your sink. You'd wash them, but, oops, you ran out of soap. And you're too damn depressed and lack any motivation to go to the corner store to grab some more.

You start to cut yourself off from people. You stop coming to classes, and your GPA suffers. You don't bother responding to every email in your inbox, like you used to. Even when the phone rings, your heart sinks. You've grown so used to yourself that everything else becomes strange and scary, including interactions with other people, and you fear everything will disrupt your already destructive lifestyle. It makes no sense, but in your mind, it is rational.

You might neglect showering altogether. "What's the point?" you'll ask yourself. "It's not like I have anything to do or people to see." It's only when you catch a whiff of yourself or run your fingers through your greasy hair that you can't take it anymore. You'll drag yourself into the shower, bemoaning the whole experience because it takes so much out of you, doing it as quickly as possible so that you can just get out already.

Food? Your money will dwindle because you rely on delivery and takeout. Preparing meals, something you might have enjoyed at one point in your life, also becomes a chore. You don't even enjoy the food you order, necessarily. You're only eating it because it's there, and you need food to survive.

And while you're going through all these things, hating yourself even more for being so hopeless and unproductive, some people will simply not get it. You will feel worse.

They'll think you're wallowing in self-pity and need to get over it already. Or they'll think that popping an antidepressant every day will make it all better, just like that. Or they'll push their lifestyles on you, thinking, "Well, if it worked for me, it'll work for you! I won't accept any other answer or negative outcome, so I'll just keep forcing it on you!"

Or they'll give up on you and eventually cease all contact with you. And you know it's partly your fault, but you just don't have it in you to fight anymore.

You desperately want to save yourself from a bad fate, but at the same time, you can't help but think, "What's the point?"

So, you sit there, watching the destruction unfold.

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The Ideas of March

Mar. 15th, 2014 | 01:25 am
location: Canada, Vancouver
mood: weirdweird

Soothsayer: Beware the ides of March.
Caesar: What man is that?
Brutus: A soothsayer bids you beware the ides of March.

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Mar. 1st, 2014 | 09:11 pm
location: Canada, Vancouver
mood: excitedexcited

Why did I not start this show sooner?!

Well, I'm watching, and even though I'm only on the second episode, I LOVE IT.

Enjoy the theme song in full, bbs:

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Jan. 20th, 2008 | 12:00 am
location: Canada, Vancouver
mood: hopefulhopeful

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This girl, Fatima from Cycle 10, is fucking fierce. I'm going to predict that she will take the title. If not, then she'll at least be in the top four.

(Watch her be the first one to get eliminated.)

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